PlanetCrap 6.0!
Front Page (ATOM) • Submission Bin (2) • ArchivesUsersLoginCreate Account
You are currently not logged in.
T O P I C
The Great PC Writing Experiment - Theme 2
May 1st 2004, 23:28 CEST by chris

If you're writing them or reading them, this is the topic to discuss the second PlanetCrap Writing Exercise.

This is a chance for anyone, whether you consider yourself a writer or not, whether you're a writing veteran or a complete newbie, to take part in some really good creative fun.

How It Works:
We've come up with a theme that everyone is to use as a basis for their story. People then have a couple of weeks to work on their stories and submit them before the stories are "unveiled" (made public). Stories can still be submitted for a week or so after the unveiling date. When the next theme is decided on, the current theme is locked -- it will only display stories, not accept new submissions.

This Exercise's Theme:
Two people are talking, when one turns to the other and reveals something that they have never told anyone else.

How To Participate:
Head over to The PC Writing Site, click through to Theme 2, and add your story! Or read the stories that are there, and comment on them in this thread. Don't be shy, we have writers of all levels of experience, from newbies to published veterans, and everyone's pretty friendly in their critiques.

What do we get in return? The benefits are two-fold:

- We get to see how each participant interprets a single theme. That alone is kind of cool.

- If you're interested, you can get critical feedback on your story to help make it better. This is generally how writing groups work, and if you want to improve your writing, it's one of the best ways to do so.

If you're participating just for the fun of it and aren't interested in having your writing critically analyzed, just be sure to make that clear in the thread. And if you'd like to have your work really critiqued, be sure and mention that.

The point of this is really to have fun. The more people that participate, the more interesting the results become!
C O M M E N T S
Home » Topic: The Great PC Writing Experiment - Theme 2

|«« - Previous Page - Next Page - »»|
#1 by chris
2004-05-01 23:34:44
cwb@shaithis.com http://www.cerebraldebris.com
Not a full critique but just a quick note, Joker, the improvement in your work between Theme 1 and Theme 2 is substantial.

-chris
#2 by Post-It
2004-05-01 23:36:09
keithlee@speakeasy.net
First off, I think all the stories submitted this time were great. Hopefully any stragglers will get their stories up in the next few days as well.  I'm going to get in to critiqueing stories this afternoon, not sure how far I will get though.

Also, please feel free to tear into my story. I don't really feel that it is as good as my last submission, but I am still pretty satisfied with it. Any criticisim (constructive!) would be much appreciated.

Comment Signature
#3 by Funkdrunk
2004-05-01 23:58:12
jflavius@bellatlantic.net
I wasn't too happy with my entry.  I really tried hard with this one, and it was a struggle.  I'm reading through everyone else now.

Funk

we rocked his butt with a 12 inch cut called disco kryptonite!
#4 by Post-It
2004-05-02 00:22:15
keithlee@speakeasy.net
Come Undone
By (yotsuya)

I enjoyed the few PC references in the beginning paragraphs. Nothing's ever wrong with a few "in-jokes."

First off, before I get into my critique, I want to go ahead and say that I generally don't care for the use of "you" in stories. Just a personal preference, it's absolutely a viable style and voice to use in a story, but I think it can be difficult to pull off and has a tendency to distance the reader from the story becuase they are being told something about themselves. Again, just not my choice for a style of writing, nothing wrong with it though. You pulled it off rather well actually.

Leaving the revelation up to the reader works well here, with your tone of story. In fact your story in gernal encourages the reader to fill in the gaps, utilize their imagination to complete the story.

The dream sequence is a nice little interlude, one that sets up the ending of the story very well. I really liked the final sentence, it packs a nice punch.

Like I said, you really leave the story up to the imagination of the reader. I wish there were some description, some hint as to what she had done, but that's really niether here nor there.

My main criticism is that the story feels "cramped." I think you could have drawn the entire thing out more. As it is, it feels a bit rushed. Meaning, I wish there was more story to read. :)

A solid first entry into the PC writing experiment by Yot!

Comment Signature
#5 by Charles
2004-05-02 01:00:59
www.bluh.org
I can't stand when things are secret like that.  It's like that last bit in Lost in Translation.  Goddammit, I want to know what it was!  And both there, and in Yot's story, I feel like neither writer knew what it was, but just figured they'd leave it out and make you think it was something interesting.

"I'm not asking for much; just a job that meets the minimum legal requirements set forth by my country."
#6 by lwf
2004-05-02 01:30:26
No offense you guys but your guys' stories are all terrible.

For the next time you must redefine something.
#7 by Funkdrunk
2004-05-02 01:31:28
jflavius@bellatlantic.net
Trying to get G-Man's job, are we?

Funk.

we rocked his butt with a 12 inch cut called disco kryptonite!
#8 by Squeaky
2004-05-02 01:33:43
Still talking about writing?




YAWN.

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#9 by Squeaky
2004-05-02 01:33:47
*ahem*

Sorry 'bout that, wont happen again.

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#10 by lwf
2004-05-02 01:50:52
Can I get my first story's story ID chris?

For the next time you must redefine something.
#11 by chris
2004-05-02 03:07:04
cwb@shaithis.com http://www.cerebraldebris.com
#10 lwf
Can I get my first story's story ID chris?

Yes. How do you want me to send it to you?

-chris
#12 by Caryn
2004-05-02 03:21:10
carynlaw@pacbell.net http://www.hellchick.net
I do plan on submiting a story for this round, but haven't finished it yet.

"See, Canadians believe Jesus walked on water. We just figure it was winter when he did." - Squeaky
#13 by The_Joker
2004-05-02 05:23:13
http://www.jackinworld.com
"I do plan on submitting a story for this round, the previous round, the one before that, the one before that and the one before that, but haven't finished them yet." - Caryn, August 2004

"Things have been so busy, haven't gotten around to writing anything yet. And my wife hates bacon." - Jeet, August 2004


chris: thanks!


I'll read stories tomorrow. Me and my wang are just too tired right now. Need....sleep.


btw, lwf, did you catch the .jpg the other day?

Joker, Ph.D. Procedural Assholian Behaviour, Pedophilosopher
- All your ass are belong to my wang Jafd. Prepare to are penetration.
"I fart in THX." - Sgt_Hulka

PENETRATOR: Rise of the Wang Cuming "When it's done".
#14 by MCorleone
2004-05-02 05:34:58
Show us one when she has make-up on.  Au Natural was weak.

As your attorney I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown bottle in my shaving kit.  You won't need much, just a tiny taste.
#15 by UncleJeet
2004-05-02 05:40:34
Joker
I will get something submitted, but the PC writing "club" is like any other hobby.  I enjoy it a great deal, but the demands of work and the responsibilities of life come first.  Technically I have the time right now to write something, but I just really feel like being lazy.  After the past couple of weeks, last week especially, I need some downtime.  Desperately.

I'm fighting terrorism by playing violent video games!
#16 by yotsuya
2004-05-02 05:50:00
Post-It-

Thanks for the feedback. It's appreciated.

First of all, I had just finished re-reading Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City, and I was really impressed with his use of second person. Considering that the only other time I've read a second person book, the words "Choose Your Own Adventure" was stamped on the front, I thought he did a good job and wanted to try it myself.

And as for "not telling you what the problem is", I chose not to do that because I didn't want to focus on the surprise, but on his reaction to it. Let's say I present a problem, and you as a reader think, "Well, that's not so bad. Why would I react like that???", then I can toss everything else out the window because you won't relate to the point of view. By not stating the problem, you can't judge her- you just know that her secret is bad.

I too agree with you that it's a bit brief, but I wanted to keep it focused on the prompt, and I wanted to make sure it wasn't a lot of text.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback.

That's a beautiful way to go. Shot by Yot. In more ways than one. -mgns
I wear my sunglasses at night.
The NEW Official PCMLB League Page
#17 by "lwf"
2004-05-02 06:01:24
I did see the gif, Joker. Not bad, needs more chest though.
#18 by lwf
2004-05-02 13:31:51
I think my favourite part of Hugin's story are the special FX. I couldn't even see the CG.

Fear is the dark room where the devil develops his negatives.
#19 by The_Joker
2004-05-02 13:43:37
http://www.jackinworld.com
mcorleone, lwf

you guys talking about this gif?


I think she looks cute without makeup. Au Natural is he only way to go. Make up, like religion, is fake. Life is all about the real things.

Joker, Ph.D. Procedural Assholian Behaviour, Pedophilosopher
- All your ass are belong to my wang Jafd. Prepare to are penetration.
"I fart in THX." - Sgt_Hulka

PENETRATOR: Rise of the Wang Cuming "When it's done".
#20 by Marsh Davies
2004-05-02 13:59:21
www.verbalchilli.com
I've only read Hugin's so far, which I enjoyed thoroughly. Very funny indeed, and, on the whole, superbly written. I do wish it could have gone on for longer, of course, and that there was a greater depth of plot - but this is only to laud the set-up you have created. As a sketch it was very well realised. Perhaps there could be an extra "beat" before the end, however, as it feels slightly abrupt.

I don't know whether you care or not, but your grammar regarding direct speech is all wrong, wrong, wrong. Which is strange, because your grammar on PlanetCrap is usually impeccable.

"If you intend to specify the speaker, direct speech always ends with a comma, question-mark or exclamation-mark inside the last set of inverted commas," said Marsh. "Then you can do the whole 'said blah-de-blah' thing, slap in a full-stop and start a new sentence in a fresh set of inverted commas. Of course, if it's a run-on sentence," he continued, "then you stick a comma after the speaker and a small-case start to the following spoken clause. How nice!"

...

That's just direct speech, of course. If you're just quoting something in inverted commas, and not specifying a vocalisation of some sort, then it changes, and the punctuation goes on the outside. For example:

The use of the widely incorporative term "African American Literature" to include authors who actively eschewed racial distinction, such as Jean Toomer, can itself be seen as a legacy of the "color-line".


That's my understanding, anyway, and I'm sure Caryn or Chris will correct this if it's wrong. Equally, you may not give a fuck, and I suppose, if you aren't trying to get published, or get graded on it, then it doesn't matter. Certainly, my creative writing group don't care about it, and they are getting graded on it, so YMMV.

Thanks for the fun read.

#21 by The_Joker
2004-05-02 14:21:13
http://www.jackinworld.com
Word can be compared to game engines these days.

Game engines handle all the low level technical stuff and let the designers/artists focus on game design and gamelogic.


Word handles all the low level technical stuff like grammer and spelling, and lets the writers focus more on telling the story.

Joker, Ph.D. Procedural Assholian Behaviour, Pedophilosopher
- All your ass are belong to my wang Jafd. Prepare to are penetration.
"I fart in THX." - Sgt_Hulka

PENETRATOR: Rise of the Wang Cuming "When it's done".
#22 by Hugin
2004-05-02 15:43:41
lmccain@nber.org
#20 by Marsh Davies
2004-05-02 13:59:21
 
I don't know whether you care or not, but your grammar regarding direct speech is all wrong, wrong, wrong. Which is strange, because your grammar on PlanetCrap is usually impeccable.


Heh.  I don't speak in dialogue here at PC.  You're absolutely right.  I kept skipping around editing the dialogue, and Word would constantly complain about the formatting.  But I was more interested in the words themselves, and by the time I finally felt finished it was 2 am or something and I lacked the wit to just go look up the proper formatting and rejigger it (Word's suggestions looked bizarre to me so I ignored them).  

I wonder if it's kosher to go back in and fix it now.  I think it's such a technical fix it might be akin to correcting a spelling error.  But part of me feels like the story should stay as it is, its observed flaws simply lessons learned for use in round three.  Thanks Marsh.
#23 by Anonymous
2004-05-02 15:47:24
#22 contradicts #21, doesn't it?
#24 by Hugin
2004-05-02 16:00:05
lmccain@nber.org
#23 by Anonymous

 
 #22 contradicts #21, doesn't it?
  

Not really.  If I were a writer with significant and pervasive grammer and spelling issues, Word would be a godsend.  We're all forced to contend with writing by others that would have benefited from at least a quick onceover with the spellchecker.  

But some issues of grammar and style can be disputed even by folks who edit professionally.  And sometimes the writer may feel the look and feel of what they're going for overrides what's technically correct.  And sometimes bleary eyed folks at 2 am look at the little green squiggly lines and hit save anyway.

Now, whether a word processor is truly functionally equivalent to a game engine is a different matter.
#25 by Anonymous
2004-05-02 18:54:15
Hugin, I didn't really want to argue anything.

Just hanging around, posting inflammatory nonsense and such.
#26 by MCorleone
2004-05-02 18:57:23
Joker:  Yeah, that was the one.  Looked a little bug-eyed.  Shitty profile shot to blame, probably though.  How about a full-one facial?

As your attorney I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown bottle in my shaving kit.  You won't need much, just a tiny taste.
#27 by UncleJeet
2004-05-02 19:00:13
Word hates my tendency toward really long sentences.  It also hates dialect, slang, and when I don't capitalize Microsoft.  Talk about an ego....

I'm fighting terrorism by playing violent video games!
#28 by Anonymous
2004-05-02 19:25:17
MCorleone, she sure looks fantastic in a submissive pose covered with cum.
#29 by Charles
2004-05-02 19:31:46
www.bluh.org
I turn off real time spellchecking and grammar stuff when I write.  I turn it on for a little bit at the end to make sure I'm not fucking up on anything obvious.

"I'm not asking for much; just a job that meets the minimum legal requirements set forth by my country."
#30 by Hugin
2004-05-02 20:04:11
lmccain@nber.org
#25 by Anonymous

Just hanging around, posting inflammatory nonsense and such.


Ah.  Well, carry on.  

#28


Doing fine I see.
#31 by Charles
2004-05-02 20:32:12
www.bluh.org
Hey Bailey, are you dead?

"I'm not asking for much; just a job that meets the minimum legal requirements set forth by my country."
#32 by Squeaky
2004-05-03 04:08:19
#31 Charles
Hey Bailey, are you dead?

WoW.

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#33 by Squeaky
2004-05-03 04:08:27
That's my guess, anyway.

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#34 by lwf
2004-05-03 04:09:14
Nah, death.

Fear is the dark room where the devil develops his negatives.
#35 by Squeaky
2004-05-03 04:14:37
#34 lwf
Nah, death.

Probably drank himself to death after realising that he'd spent the past month or so playing a PIG.

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#36 by Dethstryk
2004-05-03 04:48:27
jemartin@tcainternet.com
Huh?

"hey look at me, i'm DJ Dethstryk, The Square Who Is Not Cool™!  i've never heard of Fringe Band X or Scratch DJ Y!  haw haw haw!"
#37 by Squeaky
2004-05-03 04:50:51
#36 Dethstryk
Huh?

wha?

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#38 by Dethstryk
2004-05-03 05:09:35
jemartin@tcainternet.com
I didn't drink myself to death.

"hey look at me, i'm DJ Dethstryk, The Square Who Is Not Cool™!  i've never heard of Fringe Band X or Scratch DJ Y!  haw haw haw!"
#39 by Squeaky
2004-05-03 05:12:46
#38 Dethstryk
I didn't drink myself to death.

Nobody's saying you did.

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#40 by TheTrunkDr.
2004-05-03 05:19:53
are you confused Deth??

I kid cause I care.
#41 by lwf
2004-05-03 06:25:44
It's not a sarchasm, but you guys totally didn't get the joke. Not that it was a good joke, but come on, are you guys on the silly sauce?

Fear is the dark room where the devil develops his negatives.
#42 by chris
2004-05-03 06:29:37
cwb@shaithis.com http://www.cerebraldebris.com
Beginning tomorrow, I will be posting critiques of the Theme 2 stories.

-chris
#43 by Squeaky
2004-05-03 07:06:18
#41 lwf
...are you guys on the silly sauce?

no comment

Your ability to draw unrelated tangents from flights of fancy impresses even me. - Bailey
dvds
#44 by Dumdeedum
2004-05-03 07:15:05
http://www.dumdeedum.com
That's my story added.  I suspect there's probably lots of disjointed chunks in it because I've been out playing with my dinghy all weekend and I just did the editing whilst completely knackered.  Probably not ideal but fuck it, it's finished.

#45 by Sgt Hulka
2004-05-03 09:56:50
Who Moved My Soap?

Painkeep Arena 3.0 - Download it, you know you want to.
#46 by Dethstryk
2004-05-03 14:11:25
jemartin@tcainternet.com
snickering

"hey look at me, i'm DJ Dethstryk, The Square Who Is Not Cool™!  i've never heard of Fringe Band X or Scratch DJ Y!  haw haw haw!"
#47 by Matt Perkins
2004-05-03 17:53:55
wizardque@yahoo.com http://whatwouldmattdo.com/
Beginning tomorrow, I will be posting critiques of the Theme 2 stories.

sweet.....................................................................

"...he related the story of how when they first put all the creature AI in place in Black & White, the hungry creature walked around in circles acting strange before they realized it was trying to eat itself. " - Peter on B&W
#48 by "Vorque"
2004-05-03 18:22:16
That's just direct speech, of course. If you're just quoting something in inverted commas, and not specifying a vocalisation of some sort, then it changes, and the punctuation goes on the outside. For example:

The use of the widely incorporative term "African American Literature" to include authors who actively eschewed racial distinction, such as Jean Toomer, can itself be seen as a legacy of the "color-line".


This is true for you, but not necessarily true for him. Based on "vocalisation" and your use of the term "inverted commas," I'm guessing that you aren't an American English speaker. In the U.S., punctuation is always included in quotes. Note how I punctuated "inverted commas" in the previous sentence.

I think your way is more logical, and I default to it in my everyday writing. However, in America, there is a hard-and-fast rule for the situation that is considered correct.
#49 by chris
2004-05-03 18:28:43
cwb@shaithis.com http://www.cerebraldebris.com
#47 Matt Perkins
Beginning tomorrow, I will be posting critiques of the Theme 2 stories.

sweet.....................................................................

Hey, maybe you should check the theme 1 thread before being sarcastic. =)

-chris
#50 by "Vorque"
2004-05-03 18:43:15
Yotsuya:

having Elvis hitch the two of you together


Her eyes look swollen and red to you.


...appears rough and old to you


Watch out for redundancy.

you feel the floor of your stomach fall, as if you on a roller coaster and an unexpected drop suddenly appears in front of you.


Mixed/nested metaphor.

As a general rule, nonspecificity isn't very entertaining. It's difficult to pull off. For an example of a very well-done story that mixes nonspecificity with good detail, see Donald Barthelme's "Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby": http://www.coldbacon.com/writing/barthelme-colby.html

The door, surprisingly, doesn’t make a noise when she shuts it on her way out. Not a bang, not a whimper, but silence


Interesting reference; I suppose that is indeed the way the narrator's world ends.
C O M M E N T S
Home » Topic: The Great PC Writing Experiment - Theme 2

|«« - Previous Page - Next Page - »»|
P O S T   A   C O M M E N T

You need to be logged in to post a comment here. If you don't have an account yet, you can create one here. Registration is free.
C R A P T A G S
Simple formatting: [b]bold[/b], [i]italic[/i], [u]underline[/u]
Web Links: [url=www.mans.de]Cool Site[/url], [url]www.mans.de[/url]
Email Links: [email=some@email.com]Email me[/email], [email]some@email.com[/email]
Simple formatting: Quoted text: [quote]Yadda yadda[/quote]
Front Page (ATOM) • Submission Bin (2) • ArchivesUsersLoginCreate Account
You are currently not logged in.
There are currently 0 people browsing this site. [Details]