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Attack of the Killer Shrews
December 1st 2005, 23:07 CET by Marsh Davies

As I lounged on my couch earlier today, willing the TV to dissolve my mind, I forced myself to watch from beginning to end a film called The Attack of the Killer Shrews. I don't know quite why I did this. An exercise in self-flagellation, I guess, resulting from my carefully cultivated balance of self-hatred and intense ennui. But this film managed to challenge even those boundaries, going well beyond B-Movie schlock into a world of unimaginable lameness that is rarely plumbed by even the worst movies of today. My question to you is this: what are the worst movies you've ever seen? And why?

And I don't mean just films you didn't like, but films that are inexcusably, terribly, sickeningly bad. Films that are so bad that it isn't even funny any more how bad they are. Films like, for example, The Daughters of Satan, featuring Tom Selleck of Magnum PI, which despite gratuitous nudity, is utterly unrelentingly tedious. Or, perhaps, Lifeforce: a film which somehow manages to make lesbian vampires from out of space boring, despite the brave efforts of a young Patrick Stewart and a host of spontaneously exploding zombies.

More importantly, as a big fan of Steven Segal's fine repertoire of cinema classics, I must ask this: what is it that separates a plainly bad film from a bad film that is entertaining because it is bad?
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#1 by Child Molesting Faggot
2005-12-01 23:08:26
FIRST POST
#2 by Gabe
2005-12-01 23:08:37
http://www.dartpublishing.com
Not sure if they were considered B movies, but two that leap to mind where I felt badly for the cast and even worse for myself were Spawn and The Avengers.
#3 by Child Molesting Faggot
2005-12-01 23:09:27
haha you thought you were gonna get first didn't u??

that's what you get for putting actual content in ur post sucka!!!!
#4 by Funkdrunk
2005-12-01 23:14:08
jflavius@bellatlantic.net
Michael Jai White really hasn't done much since Spawn.  He's a good martial artist, but a poor actor.  He's the new Billy Blanks but without Tae bo.

Funk.

I am sofa king.  We todd ed.
#5 by bishop
2005-12-01 23:14:51
http://www.darkintel.org/00FF00/
What about Universal Soldier: The Return?
#6 by Funkdrunk
2005-12-01 23:17:21
jflavius@bellatlantic.net
Correction.  Anything of note.

Funk.

I am sofa king.  We todd ed.
#7 by Child Molesting Faggot
2005-12-01 23:18:51
THE RULES OF FIRST POST CLUB

1) DO NOT READ THE TOPIC

2) TYPE AS FAST AS U CAN

3) FORGET PUNCTUATION IT ONLY SLOWS U DOWN

4) DO NOT PUT ANY THOUGHT INTO UR FIRST POST

5) CONGRATULATE WHOEVER GETS FIRST POST TO SHOW UR A GOOD SPORT

where my props??? gimme props plez i won this round and nobody has said shit about my victory
#8 by Chunkstyle
2005-12-01 23:19:36
Wise Guys, with Joe Piscopo & Danny DeVito.  Truly horrible, and I paid money to see it in a theater.  Refused to leave, too, even though my friends really wanted to, as I had to see just how bad it could get.

Game Developers: Don't forget the zombie monkeys.
#9 by CheesyPoof
2005-12-01 23:25:24
I never left a movie.  The Jerky Boys was pretty awful. That's the first one that sprang into my head.
#10 by anaqer
2005-12-01 23:34:33
Closest I got to leaving from a movie was when I took a wrong turn once and walked into a screening of Wedding Crashers instead of Dark Water.

"There's no place like home."
#11 by Penguinx
2005-12-01 23:34:50
I left Snake Eyes. My wife left The Blair Witch Project due to motion sickness.

#12 by Child Molesting Faggot
2005-12-01 23:38:33
WHERE IS MY PROPS

SEE RULE #5 AND DO THE HONOURABLE THING PLEASE
#13 by Your Friend
2005-12-01 23:39:58

Closest I got to leaving from a movie was when I took a wrong turn once and walked into a screening of Wedding Crashers instead of Dark Water.


Wow, you got pretty lucky because Wedding Crashers was great and Dark Water sucked ass.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
#14 by Ergo
2005-12-01 23:40:31
The only movie I can remember walking out of was Coppola's version of Dracula. I almost walked out of ID4, but my friends somehow talked me out of it, damn their eyes.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
DVDs
#15 by Hugin
2005-12-01 23:42:17
lmccain@nber.org
The Avengers was pretty shockingly lame, considering the fairly decent talent involved.  

I cannot criticise Lifeforce though.  It was quite formative for my 12 year old self. :p
#16 by anaqer
2005-12-01 23:43:04
YF,

Jenniffr. Connelly.
EOD, EOD!

"There's no place like home."
#17 by Child Molesting Faggot
2005-12-02 00:00:14
WHY DO I GET NO RESPECT AROUND HERE
#18 by Shadarr
2005-12-02 00:03:48
shadarr@yahoo.com http://digital-luddite.com
The only movie I've walked out of was What Dreams May Come.  Stargate was the only movie I've ever cried in.  The worst movie I've ever seen was probably What Planet Are You From.  I was flipping around and saw John Goodman and Ben Kingsly and Gary Shandling and figured it ought to be pretty good, but it just... wasn't.  Not horrific or terrible, but there was just nothing good about it.

I hate my life and I want to die.
#19 by bago
2005-12-02 00:13:01
manga_Rando@hotmail.com
It's snowing in Seattle!

<Cerebus> if i want some inhuman semi-comedic non-sequitors, then you'll be the first i call.
#20 by jjohnsen
2005-12-02 00:33:53
http://www.johnsenclan.com
What Dreams May Come looked pretty, but boy did it suck.

Actually, the liberalism of the media - as a general thing - IS a major fallacy. What the media is, is a whore.  -LP
#21 by anaqer
2005-12-02 00:34:33
And in Veszprém as well. What's your po... oh, 'sup bago.

"There's no place like home."
#22 by Shadarr
2005-12-02 00:48:28
shadarr@yahoo.com http://digital-luddite.com
It's snowing in Victoria.  Second time this week.


Anagar, are you Croatian?

I hate my life and I want to die.
#23 by Ergo
2005-12-02 00:49:55
He's Hunblarigan.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
DVDs
#24 by Shadarr
2005-12-02 00:56:51
shadarr@yahoo.com http://digital-luddite.com
Useless to me, in other words.

I hate my life and I want to die.
#25 by anaqer
2005-12-02 01:00:24
WEEP'D!

"There's no place like home."
#26 by bago
2005-12-02 01:28:00
manga_Rando@hotmail.com
I brought my board to work if enough snow builds up!

<Cerebus> if i want some inhuman semi-comedic non-sequitors, then you'll be the first i call.
#27 by Ergo
2005-12-02 01:31:17
That's nice, little buddy.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
DVDs
#28 by Warren Marshall
2005-12-02 01:36:33
http://www.wantonhubris.com/
In his defense, snow is a nice change from the 8 months a year Seattle gets of grey overcast skies with light drizzle.  And I lived there for 5 years, so don't even try it...

Jesus Christ, that is unbelievably retarded! - lwf
#29 by Ergo
2005-12-02 01:43:19
Bah, you lived in version 1.0. Version 2.23 of Seattle is much less rainy.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
DVDs
#30 by Your Friend
2005-12-02 01:46:55
6" at Mammoth with a chance of a bigger snow dump tonight and tomorrow, and I'm headed up there tomorrow.

SO SCREW YOU GUYS!

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
#31 by Your Friend
2005-12-02 01:47:12
LEAVING FORTHEWEEKEND.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
#32 by Marsh Davies
2005-12-02 01:48:12
www.verbalchilli.com
LEAVING FORTHEWEEKEND.

Only if you survive it, otherwise it'll be FOREVER!

#33 by McBain
2005-12-02 02:33:27
I left Snake Eyes.

Sanke Eyes is fantastic for precisely 20 minutes and then gets truly awful.

Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie: What the fuck? No!
#34 by Penguinx
2005-12-02 02:34:35
I agree with what you wrote.

#35 by LordDrucifer
2005-12-02 02:45:45
Yasta11@hotmail.com
The only movie I remember leaving was "gangs of new york," but that was only because I was forced to suffer the pains of the front row. I got my ticket changed to "About Schmidt" and then I fell asleep.

Slack ass, slap face, slack rope, and slap Bass. Fold in a cup of cocaine. Now you have Drucifer's Quintessence.
#36 by Hugin
2005-12-02 02:53:35
lmccain@nber.org
I've never left a movie.  If I'm going to rip it, I want the most complete, well informed ripping basis possible.
#37 by Dumdeedum
2005-12-02 02:57:38
http://www.dumdeedum.com
I didn't mind Snake Eyes too much.  Yeah, it goes rapidly downhill after the big opening shot, but I thought the structure of the film was really cool and even at its worst it never dropped below your run of the mill bad thriller, it just seemed worse because the good bits were so much better.

#38 by McBain
2005-12-02 03:04:48
I've never left a movie in the theater.  Though I was eager to leave the live action Flintstones movie.

Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie: What the fuck? No!
#39 by hangedmanAG
2005-12-02 03:12:22
www.livejournal.com/users/hangedman_ag/
The Cabbage Patch Kids movie was really bad.  Little Monsters with Fred Savage was awful, heck anything with Fred Savage sucked all kinds of ass.  All of the 80's Freaky Friday ripoffs (Vice Versa, Like Father Like Son, Dream a Little Dream)

I've seen too many bad movies to really remember most of them.  The films I hate the most, though, are films that alot of people enjoy like Reality Bites.

I saw 9 Songs recently.  That sucked.

"Fucking up takes practice/I feel I'm well rehearsed/Because the past is a bully and the future's even worse."

My crummy little life
#40 by bago
2005-12-02 03:13:57
manga_Rando@hotmail.com
Crystal got 25" of powder, and I'm headed up this weekend. Booyah!

<Cerebus> if i want some inhuman semi-comedic non-sequitors, then you'll be the first i call.
#41 by Jibble
2005-12-02 04:01:15
Boy, you don't have nearly enough space in your nose to handle all that.

Anywhoo, the only movie I ever walked out on was Angels in the Outfield. I was 14. We went to see some other random movie, then snuck in halfway through Angels in the Outfield because my younger cousin wanted to see it. About five minutes later we walked out on that and caught most of Blown Away.

What?

My aunt dropped us off with enough money for one ticket each and said "See you in four hours!" We had implied approval!

Worst movie I've ever seen? Probably "Mystery Men". Yes, I said it. It was fucking awful. Suck it up, fanboys.

what is it that separates a plainly bad film from a bad film that is entertaining because it is bad?

Effort.

With your plan they'd be all like "everyone with weasels in their pants thinks they're great dancers but they're not, they've just got weasels in their pants."

Blog. 220 lbs.  40 to go.
#42 by m0nty
2005-12-02 04:10:50
http://tinfinger.blogspot.com
Mystery Men wasn't so terrible. It managed to camouflage Stiller by casting him as an asshole, thus not extending past his true range. Plus, any movie with Geoffrey Rush and William H. Macy isn't all bad.
#43 by Jibble
2005-12-02 04:25:05
It was terrible. Suck it up.

With your plan they'd be all like "everyone with weasels in their pants thinks they're great dancers but they're not, they've just got weasels in their pants."

Blog. 220 lbs.  40 to go.
#44 by Jibble
2005-12-02 04:25:50
See, now that I'm thinking about it I'm starting to have bad movie flashbacks. U Turn was also horrid, as was FearDotCom.

With your plan they'd be all like "everyone with weasels in their pants thinks they're great dancers but they're not, they've just got weasels in their pants."

Blog. 220 lbs.  40 to go.
#45 by m0nty
2005-12-02 04:30:49
http://tinfinger.blogspot.com
Anything with Chevy Chase in it that doesn't include the word Vacation in the title.
#46 by Sgt Hulka
2005-12-02 04:30:57
Oddballs is the only film I saw in the theater that made me and my friend throw our half chewed up White Castle hamburgers at the screen in disgust and then walk out.  We skipped school to see it, was supposed to be a Meatballs type movie.  We were the only two in theater.

#47 by Sgt Hulka
2005-12-02 04:31:36
Oh, and The Matrix.

#48 by Hugin
2005-12-02 04:34:27
lmccain@nber.org
Neither Fletch nor Caddyshack have "Vacation" in the title.
#49 by Jibble
2005-12-02 04:48:06
m0nty, you've clearly cast your net too wide. Spies Like Us was a decently amusing flick, as was ˇThree Amigos! However, he has had a lot of stinkers like Modern Problems.

With your plan they'd be all like "everyone with weasels in their pants thinks they're great dancers but they're not, they've just got weasels in their pants."

Blog. 220 lbs.  40 to go.
#50 by Sgt Hulka
2005-12-02 04:55:33
as was ˇThree Amigos!


No.

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