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Jokes
July 25th 2005, 23:38 CEST by Dumdeedum

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...

...so the bartender gives her one.
C O M M E N T S
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#1 by schnee
2005-07-25 23:39:42
david@snowdesign.com
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Micromanaging control freak. Now you say 'control freak' who?"

Gawd wuz a dream of good gubmint.
#2 by schnee
2005-07-25 23:39:51
david@snowdesign.com
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Gawd wuz a dream of good gubmint.
#3 by schnee
2005-07-25 23:40:24
david@snowdesign.com
I can die happy now. Well, something approximating geek happiness.

Gawd wuz a dream of good gubmint.
#4 by schnee
2005-07-25 23:41:02
david@snowdesign.com
The masochist said to the sadist "hurt me hurt me."

The sadist said ".... no."

Gawd wuz a dream of good gubmint.
#5 by yotsuya
2005-07-25 23:41:11
What do a magician and a hockey player have in common?

Hat tricks.

Don't you have a pretend girlfriend to not be fucking right now, loser?
#6 by yotsuya
2005-07-25 23:41:30
That's actually a good one, Schnee.

Don't you have a pretend girlfriend to not be fucking right now, loser?
#7 by yotsuya
2005-07-25 23:42:23
The first one, that is.

Don't you have a pretend girlfriend to not be fucking right now, loser?
#8 by schnee
2005-07-25 23:44:07
david@snowdesign.com
(bows)

Gawd wuz a dream of good gubmint.
#9 by Greg
2005-07-25 23:48:10
G-Man walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Heard any good jokes lately?"

His response: "No, but you can find some here, have them delivered to your inbox from here. I've heard this place has jokes galore as well. Just do a little research next time, now make me a girl scout cookie."

こんにちは
#10 by Warren Marshall
2005-07-25 23:49:16
http://www.wantonhubris.com/
LOL'ing
#11 by yotsuya
2005-07-25 23:50:49
That. WAS. AWESOME.

Don't you have a pretend girlfriend to not be fucking right now, loser?
#12 by Ergo
2005-07-25 23:53:20
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me two scotches."

The bartender says, "You mean a double, right?"

"No," says the man. "I want two scotches--one shot in each glass."

The bartender shrugs and pours out two individual shots of scotch. The man picks up one shot and slams it, then picks up the other shot, holds open his shirt pocket and pours it inside. "Two more," says the guy.

The bartender is flabbergasted but pours out two more shots. The man does the same thing--drinks one shot and pours the other into his shirt pocket. This goes on for about an hour until the bartender finally asks the guy, "What in the hell are you doing?? Why are you pouring scotch into your shirt pocket?"

The man, clearly inebriated, slurs, "That's none of your fucking business, and if you ask me again I'll punch you in the teeth!"

At that point, a mouse pops out of the man's pocket and slurs, "And that goes for your goddamned cat, too!"

"Every sect as far as reason will help them, gladly use it; when it fails them, they cry out it is a matter of faith, and beyond reason." --John Locke
DVDs
#13 by Wudi
2005-07-25 23:56:52
Licking my LOLler POP!

Zep--

Inverted Mouse 4 Life, YO!
#14 by Shadarr
2005-07-26 00:18:33
shadarr@yahoo.com http://digital-luddite.com
That. WAS. AWESOME.

Agree.  Greg wins.

You need to work on your micro before you play a Korean.
#15 by Xero
2005-07-26 00:21:32
http://novakometa.blogspot.com/
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his fourteen year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals." "yeah" says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said..........

"Not very" strong tonight, are you Batman?"

There is no gravity the world sucks
#16 by Shadarr
2005-07-26 00:40:37
shadarr@yahoo.com http://digital-luddite.com
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?

You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

------

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

------

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

------

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

------

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

-------

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

-------

Why didn't Superman save the World Trade Center?

Because he's a quadriplegic.

------

What's the perfect present for a dead baby?

A dead puppy.

------

How do you make a dead baby float?

One mug of root beer, two scoops of dead baby.

------

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

------

What's the best part about fucking a 12 year old girl?

Turn her over and you've got a 12 year old boy.

------

What's black and blue and makes a lot of noise?

The twelve year-old in my trunk.

------

Why are there so many homes for battered women?

Because they just won't fucking listen.

------


Two Palestinian grandmothers are looking at pictures of their recently 'martyred' children, and one turns to the other and says 'Ah - they blow up so fast, don't they'.

------

Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star?

He had an arm like a baby's cock.

------

 A paedophile and a ten year old boy are walking through the woods at night, and the little boy starts crying.
'What are you crying for?'
'I'm scared.'
'Scared? Scared! You're not the one that has to walk back alone.'

------

How do you make a dog drink?
Liquidise it.

------

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

------

Q: What's the worst thing about sex with 10 year olds?
A: Getting the blood out of your clown suit.

------

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

------

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, Michael Jackson has sex with little boys.

------

The Pope is studying in his office in the Vatican when a Bishop comes in.

"I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, Your Excellency, but I have just learned something that you should know about."

"Yes, please, tell me."

"Well Your Excellency, it's not all good..."

"Well, tell me the good parts first then, and we will work out the rest as we need."

"Well, there's a phone call for you. It's Jesus."

"Jesus!?!?!?!?! Jesus is on the phone?"

"Yes Your Excellency."

"This is amazing! He has returned! The rapture is at hand! What could possibly be bad about that?"

"He's calling from Utah."

------

Riding in a train car are four people: a Canadian man, an American man, a very attractive young woman, and a not-so-attractive older woman. As the train rides along, it enters a tunnel, and as it is in complete darkness, there can be heard a "Smack!". When the train comes out of the tunnel, the American is wincing and holding a hand to his face.

The older woman thinks: "That American man must've gotten fresh with the younger woman, and she slapped him."
The younger woman thinks: "That American man must've tried something on the older woman, thinking it was me, and she slapped him."
The American thinks: "That Canadian must've done something to the younger woman, and she thought it was me, and slapped me."
The Canadian thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can slap that American again!"

------

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (outraged) That's not funny!

------

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder, and one to screw in the penis. LIGHTBULB! I meant lightbulb!

------

A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing but say your mother.

------

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD were invited to send a team to a national competition. Their teams were assembled at the edge of a forest, and told to go in one at a time and try to find a rabbit within six hours.
The CIA team went first. After six hours, they reported their conclusion: that rabbits do not exist.
Then, the FBI went in. After six hours, they asked for more time. Four hours later, they reported that the rabbit had apparently fled the forest two hours ago.
Finally, the LAPD had their turn. In forty minutes, they dragged a bleeding bear out of the forest. The bear kept yelling, "OK, OK, I'm a fucking rabbit! Stop hitting me!"

------

How do you save a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off his neck.

------

What do you call 4 black guys sitting on a porch?

Antique farm equipment.

------

The CIA are down to the final three candidates in their hunt for a new security chief to guard the President. All three, two men and a woman, have been equally good in terms of physical fitness, mental agility, attitude and every other test.

The final test is loyalty. Each is given a pistol and told, "Go into that room and shoot the occupant. No questions." When each candidate opens the door they find seated before them their spouse.

The first man walks in and comes out seconds late in tears. "I can't do it. I just can't" he sobs.

The second man comes out of his room, hands over the gun and says "I will not kill my wife".

The woman enters her room, a moment passes, and then a loud click is heard, then five more loud clicks.

The invigilators go to open the door and congratulate the woman. Before they can they hear a scuffle, shouting then loud bangs and crashes. The woman throws open the door and says, "The gun had blanks in it so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

------

Q - What did George Washington say to his men just before they got on the boat?
A - Men, get on the boat.

------

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

A pilot, you racist bastard.

------

The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.

His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you
know that with one nod of my head I can make every Australian in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk
of it and rejoice for months."

The Queen seriously doubts this .. "One little nod of your head, and all the Australians are joyous for a week? Show me."

So the Pope head butts her.

------

There's a Scottish old timer, in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat..."

------

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

------

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

------

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies,"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says," A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

------

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.

------

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

------

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, EU decided to do their own study. After 250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Canadians, dissatisfied with both these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of the quivalent of a crate of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

------

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?". "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

------

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.
As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one. "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But wanting to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

------

It's the Queen's Birthday and the Coldstream Guards are marshalled in serried ranks in full dress uniform before the gates of Buckingham Palace.

The Regimental Sergeant Major is marching down the ranks, inspecting the troops and making sure that their full dress uniform is absolutely tip top.

The Queen's cavalcade is rapidly approaching as the RSM gets to the third rank. He is amazed to see a 7 foot tall Zulu warrior standing proudly in the ranks, resplendant with assegai, rhinoceros hide shield, leopard skin thong and armbands, ostrich plumes in his hair and lion-tooth necklace.

The RSM is flabberghasted and says, "How the hell did you get into the Coldstream Guards?" and the Zulu says "I lied about my age".

------

Q Why do Canadians have sex on the edge of cliffs??
A So the Moose pushes back harder!!

Q What does a Canadian girl say after making love?
A You all on the same hockey team then?

------

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The minister says, "Don't start that with me again."

------

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with, the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

------

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian tourists typically inhabit when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was.
Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadiens hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys roared into view from around the point.
Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.
After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow".
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom. "
"Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about  sharkfishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to try a  Senator fan?"
 
 ------
 
President George Bush called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"George, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.
Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bush.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Bush.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE' on each one."

------

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

------

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

-------

In the rest room, 3 guys were standing side-by-side using the urinals. The 1st guy finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Toronto and they taught us to be sanitary."

The next guy finished, zipped up and quickly, wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Waterloo and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The last guy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ryerson and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

--------

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet and hands $5 to the Programmer.

------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, fat & ugly.... pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

-------------

Chapter 1: Games for when we are older

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: Signs of menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Chapter 3: Signs we are getting old

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both."
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

-----------------

Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
Because they're worth it!

------------------

John wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

John sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. John looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,I left early to go shopping-- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,eating. John asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

------------

A man walks into a brothel and says "I've only got a fiver is there anything you can do for me?"
The Madam says "yes", and gives him a duck. The man hands over the cash, and disappears upstairs with the duck.
A couple of weeks later he comes back. "I've got a tenner this time." he says, "What'll that get me?" The madam hands the man another duck.
"Hold on!" says the man, "How come this duck is a tenner when the other one was only a fiver? They're both bloody ducks."
"Ah yes, that's right", says the Madam, "But this one doesn't have AIDS."

-----------

Next time you see a blind man, kick him. Why should you be kinder than God?

--------

Two strings walk into a bar. First string says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer." Second string says, "I'll have a beer too.a23jksu38saksdkjfsd" First string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend. He's not null-terminated."

--------

First-year med students at a medical school are in for a treat: their first dissection of a human cadaver.

The professor asks one of the students to step up to the cadaver and mimic the professor's actions. The professor makes an incision on the corpse's chest and the student faithfully repeats it. The professor makes another incision on the corpse's thigh and the student follows. The professor then turns the corpse around, shoves a finger into the dead man's asshole, pulls it out and licks it. The student does the same and vomits his breakfast out on the classroom floor, as the class watches in horror and disgust.

The professor congratulates the class on completing the first lesson saying, "Physicians need keen observation. I had inserted my middle finger into the dead man's asshole but licked the index finger".

------

A man goes into Confession. He tells the priest that he picked up two teenage girls hitchhiking and they came back to his place where they used him as a boytoy all night, taking turns making wild passionate love to him. The priest says, "What kind of a Catholic are you?" The man replies, I'm not Catholic." The priest inquiries, "Why are you telling me then?" The man replies, "I'm telling everyone."

-------

A black man, a jew and a homosexual walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, get the fuck out of here you three!"

------

A priest is sent to Northern Alaska. He is not heard from for a couple of years, and the bishop decides to go check on him.
"How do you like it up here?" the bishop asks.
The priest replies "If it weren't for my rosary and my martinis, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?"
"Sure," says the bishop.
The priest turns and calls into the next room: "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

------

What's the difference between your girlfriend and a dead baby?

You normally don't kiss your girlfriend after fucking her.

-------

A vacationing penguin was driving through Arizona when he noticed the oil pressure light was on. He got out to look and saw oil dripping from his motor.
The penguin drove to the nearest town and dropped the car off at the first gas station. After dropping the car off he went for a walk around town to kill a little time while he waited. He saw an ice cream shop and thought something really cold sure would hit the spot in the arizona heat. He sat at the table to eat his ice cream. Having no hands, he made a huge mess eating with his flippers. After that he went back to the station and asked the mechanic if he'd found the problem.

The mechanic looked up from the motor and said "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin said, wiping his mouth, "its just a little ice cream."

------

Guy goes to the doctor. Doctor says: "I have bad news. You got a tapeworm."

Guy says: "what should I do?"

Doc says: "come back next week, bring two apples and cookie."

Guy comes back to the office the next week. Doc takes the two apples and cookies, says "Turn around and bend over" and shoves the two apples and a cookie up the guy's ass.

"Come back next week," he says, "and bring two apples and a cookie."

This goes on for months. Finally the guy goes, "Look, Doc, I appreciate your trying to help me and all, but this two apples and a cookie thing is driving me crazy. When's it going to end?"

The Doc looks at him and goes: "All right. It's probably been long enough. Come back next week with two apples and a hammer."
"WHAT?!?"
"Don't worry, just bring it in. You'll be fine."

So the guy comes back the next week with the two apples and a hammer. Doc takes the hammer in one hand and then bends the guy over and shoves the apples up the guy's butt.

Then he waits.

and waits.

and finally, the tapeworm sticks its head out of the guy's ass and goes

"HEY! WHERE'S MY COOKIE!?!"

WHAM!

-------

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having brunch at a Washington, DC cafe. They read the menu and the waitress comes to take their order.

Dubya looks at the waitress and drawls "Hey there, sweetie, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress gasps and says, "Mr. President! Of all the nerve!" and walks away in a huff.

Cheney leans over and looks at the President's menu, sighs and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."

--------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

------

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

-------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

------

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

-----

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, Son.

------

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

------

Two guys are backpacking through the mountains for a couple of weeks. One morning one says to the other, "I'm feeling like I need a little alone time. How's about for today we head off in opposite directions, meet up here for dinner, and then we can tell each other about what we saw." Backpacker number two agreed that this was a fine idea, so after breakfast they separated.

Later that evening, the two friends sat under the stars and talked about their adventures. Backpacker number one said, "See those mountains? I hiked right up the pass between the two on the left, and when I reached the other side I found a beautiful clear stream flowing over some rocks. I bent down and washed my face and took a long drink, and the water was so cold and so sweet, you just wouldn't believe it. Then I looked up, and right across the stream a huge buck was standing there just staring at me. I looked into his eyes, and for a moment I really felt like we communed. The whole thing felt like something akin to a religious experience."

BP2 nodded his head with approval and then related his story. "I hiked down that way," he said, pointing across a great open space. "About five miles in, I came across some railroad tracks, which I decided to follow for a while. After walking a couple of more miles, I came upon the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and she was just lying there on the tracks as if she'd been waiting for me to come along. We made amazing, beautiful love all afternoon."

BP1, whose eyes were by this time as big as saucers, asked, "Wow! Did you get a blow job?"

"Nah. I couldn't find her head."

------


Two guys are the only survivors of a shipwreck on a desert island. Resources are limited, and they soon begin to squabble over food, water, and territory. After a while they hate each other so much they draw a line down the middle of the island neither is allowed to cross, and stop speaking to each other completely.
One day a bottle washes up on one side of the island. The inhabitant of that side opens the bottle, releasing a genie who grants him the traditional three wishes. "But," adds the genie, "whatever you wish for, the guy on the other side of the island gets double."
Torn between his desire to be rescued and his hatred of his rival, the man eventually tells the genie he is ready to wish.
"I want a yacht to sail away from this island."
POOF, a 50 foot yacht appears in the water nearby. From the far side of the island comes an even louder POOF, and a 100 foot yacht materializes.
"Fine," the man grumbles. "I want a crew of beautiful women to sail me home on my yacht."
POOF, six bikini-clad women appear on the deck of the 50 foot yacht, and POOF, a dozen supermodels appear on the deck of the 100 foot yacht.
The genie rises dramatically on a column of smoke. "You have one wish left!" he says.
The man looks across the island, then back at the genie. "Okay, for my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death."

------

Two pregnant girls are knitting sweaters for their babies.
The first one says "I hope mine's a boy, I only had blue wool."
The second girl replies, "I hope mine's a flid*, I've fucked the arms up on this".

*British slang for thalidomide baby, or cripple

-------

A pirate shows up to house party. The host greets him at the door and says "Where are your buccaneers?"
The pirate replies "Arrr, under me buccenhat."

--------

Q: What's the difference between a burned-out light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: At least you can unscrew the light bulb.

--------

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Let's ride bikes!

--------


So a blind man unknowingly walks into a tough lesbian bar one evening. He makes his way into a corner of the bar and proceeds to get himself all liquored up for the next two hours.
Good and drunk, he finally looks up from his stupor and says in the bartender's general direction, "Hey, want to hear a blonde joke?"
The entire bar goes silent.
After what seems like an eternity this huge blonde lesbian sitting next to him leans over and says in a gruff voice:
"Hey! I don't know if you know this mister, but the bouncer who let you in here is blonde. The bartender who served you your drinks...she's blonde. My friend at the other end of the bar is blonde and is a boxer. My girlfriend here is blonde and is a black-belt in karate. Me I'm a professional wrestler and I'm blonde. Now... do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man looks up and ruminates for a moment and says:
"Nah, I don't want to have to explain it five times."

-------

Step one: Get a video camera with a tripod.
Step two: Set it up in your bathroom, and film 10-15 minutes of your toilet. Just your toilet.
Step three: Rewind it and put it in the VCR.
Step four: Invite some friends/family over.
Step five: Wait until someone goes to the bathroom, gather everyone around the television and play the tape.
Step six: Instruct everyone to laugh their ass off when the person comes back from the bathroom.

-------

A man and his dog are the only two survivors of a shipwreck, they wash up on an island. But it's a big tropical paradise, with plenty of food and beautiful weather, so they're doing okay.
One day, the man and his dog are out exploring the island. Unexpectedly, they come across a field full of sheep. The man looks at the sheep for a while, and thinks, "Normally, I wouldn't do this, but it's been a while since I've gotten any action, and who knows when I'll be rescued, so..." He gets into position behind one of the sheep. The dog, deeply offended by this spectacle, bites the man's ankles, barks his head off, generally ruins the mood.
That night, while the dog's asleep, the guy sneaks off to the field of sheep, gets into position behind the nearest one. But just as he's about to start, the dog comes tearing into the field, barking and biting, ruining the mood again.
A few days later, the man and dog are walking along the beach. There on the beach, they find an utterly stunning young woman, unconscious. The man gives her mouth-to-mouth, and she comes to, spluttering and coughing.
She says, "You saved my life. I'll do anything you want. And I do mean... anything."
The man says, "Well, if you could keep my dog busy for fifteen minutes..."

-------

Q: Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they smell bad.

-------

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

-------

Three engineers are arguing about the nature of God.

The mechanical engineer argues that God must be a mechanical engineer, because of the wonderful construction of human joints and the intricacies of the skeletal system.

The electrical engineer argues that God must be an electrical engineer, because of the nervous system and the signaling pathways of the human brain.

The civil engineer argues that God must be a civil engineer, because who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?

-------

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a conference. After long day's worth of meetings and lectures, they turn in for the night. Around one o'clock in the morning, the engineer wakes up and thinks he smells smoke. So he goes over to the door, makes sure it's not hot, looks down the hall, and sure enough, there's a fire at the end of the hall. Across the hall, he sees a fire extinguisher. So he grabs the fire extinguisher, puts out the fire, and goes back to bed.

At two o'clock, the physicist wakes up. He sniffs the air, catches of whiff of smoke and opens the door to investigate. At the end of the hall, he sees a fire. He looks around and notices the ice bucket sitting on the dresser. So he fills the bucket with water, puts out the fire, and goes back to bed.

At three o'clock, the mathematician wakes up. He, too, smells smoke, and opens the door. Yet again, at the end of the hall there's a fire. So he looks up the hall, and down the hall, and sees a fire blanket. "Aha!" he cries, "A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.

-------

The 7 dwarves go on vacation. After wandering around Europe, they stop in Rome and, being huge celebrities, are treated to an audience with the Pope. The Pope shows them around and finally asks:

"So, do any of you have any questions?"
Dopey steps up and says: "Ummm, uh, yeah. Um, uhh, do you got any midget nuns, uh, here in the Vatican?"
To which the Pope replies: "No my son, I don't believe we do."
So Dopey asks: "What about in Rome, then? Do you got any midget nuns in Rome?"
And the Pope thinks for a second and says : "I don't believe so, no."
So Dopey gets a little more flustered and asks: "Then, uhh, do ya got any midget nuns in Italy? At all?"
And the Pope thinks for a while and finally says: "No, no my son. I don't believe there's a midget nun in the entire Church. Why do you ask?"
Dopey looks to the side and down and mumbles a little, and all of a sudden from the back of the crowd of dwarves someone calls out:
"Dopey fucked a Penguin!!!"

-------

A woman is discussing her husband's funeral with the mortician. "He always wanted to be buried in a dapper black suit, but he's only got the blue one he died in."
The mortician replies, "No problem. I'll go buy him a nice black suit, and he'll look great. You can pay me after the funeral."
The next day, after the ceremony, the woman meets up with the mortician. "He looked great, thank you so much. How much do I owe you?"
The mortician smiles. "Nothing! Oddly enough, we had another customer in a black suit yesterday, and his wife wanted him to be buried in a blue one."
So I switched the heads."

--------

Two cows are standing in a field, and one says to the other "I'm afraid of getting mad cow disease". The other one replies "I'm not afraid of getting mad cow disease; I'm an ostrich."

-------

A female elephant has her foot caught in a rope snare. A male mouse comes along, and the elephant asks him to chew through the rope and set her free. He says he will, but only if she'll have sex with him afterward. She's a little surprised at the request, but she agrees.
So the mouse chews through the rope and frees the elephant, and then he climbs up her back leg and begins to have "relations" with her.
A monkey happens by and, unable to believe the spectacle, he throws a coconut at the elephant to see if she's real, hitting her in the head.
"Ouch!" says the elephant.
... and the mouse says, "That's right take it all, bitch!"

---------

Q: How many boring people does it take to screw in light bulb?
A: One.

---------

If a man and woman get a divorce in Indiana, are they still brother and sister?

-------

A man walks up to a checkout counter in a convenience store, where there is a really pretty girl at the till. He puts down in front of her: one TV dinner, one package of toilet paper, and one porno magazine. The girl smiles at him and says, "Hey... I'll bet you're single, aren't you?"
The man smiles back, and says, "Yeah, what gave it away?"
"You're really fucking ugly."

--------

How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.

----------

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she stops struggling.

-------

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

------

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

-------

Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?
It's wet.

------

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

------

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

-------

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it.

------

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help me'".

The kid says, "I'm an atheist, get away from me".

------

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic.

-------

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

------

 A computer programmer was driving his Porsche down the road. He stops for a stop sign and notices a frog in the middle of the road. The frog says to the programmer 'Hey you in the car. I'm not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you've ever had.' The computer programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' He picks up the frog and then continues down the road. The frog then says, 'OK look. If you kiss me, I'll give you a whole week of incredible sex.' The programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' The frog says more forcably this time, 'Look maybe you don't understand. I'm tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I'll give you the best sex you've ever had for the rest of your entire life.' Once again the programmer mumbles 'sure, yeah.' Finally the frog says, 'Well can you at least tell me why you won't kiss me?' The computer programmer says 'Well you see I'm a computer programmer and don't have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat.'

--------


Renee Descartes is down at the pub, drowning his sorrows in a few drinks. He finishes the last one, and the bartender asks "have another?"

Descartes (who has been having a bad day) mulls it over, replies "I think... not," and disappears.

You need to work on your micro before you play a Korean.
#17 by Xero
2005-07-26 01:07:49
http://novakometa.blogspot.com/
That Descartes joke trumps everything I've seen so far.

There is no gravity the world sucks
#18 by Matt Perkins
2005-07-26 01:20:22
wizardque@yahoo.com http://whatwouldmattdo.com/
Shadarr.  Cut and pasting sites?

"Of course, libertarians are a special breed because they can't explain their beliefs to anyone, even each other, without sounding like batshit crazy lunatics." - Shadarr
#19 by Shadarr
2005-07-26 01:22:29
shadarr@yahoo.com http://digital-luddite.com
I have a file that I update whenever I see a joke I like.  So a bunch of those were probably taken from here, the last time we had a joke thread.  But others come from emails, other forums, whatever.

You need to work on your micro before you play a Korean.
#20 by Anonymous
2005-07-26 01:50:21
F A V I C O N 'D!!!

I was browsing tha shackforums lately (you might have noticed) and a guy posted this quake-style cmd console for windows thingie that didn't work quite as intended. So I took it and as clever as I am, made it work. Almost as good as a joke.

#21 by Wudi
2005-07-26 01:55:05
Like I'm gonna click on your virus!

Zep--

Inverted Mouse 4 Life, YO!
#22 by Sgt Hulka
2005-07-26 02:04:43
George Bush

LoL

#23 by jjohnsen
2005-07-26 02:12:54
http://www.johnsenclan.com
I thought I'd heard ever Mormon joke, but that one was great.

Actually, the liberalism of the media - as a general thing - IS a major fallacy. What the media is, is a whore.  -LP
#24 by Anonymous
2005-07-26 02:25:06
It's not like I'm begging(D&D) you, y'know?

HARES A BAKUP B/C APAERNTLY MAH G3OCITEIS W3BPAEG GOT HAX0RD!!! WTF LOL

#25 by Caryn
2005-07-26 04:55:00
carynlaw@pacbell.net http://www.hellchick.net
An old Italian man named Vito loved his homegrown tomatoes, and every season his son Vinnie would help him till the dirt and dig the garden to plant them, as his father was getting old. But his son Vinnie had Mafia ties that caught up to him one day and off he went to jail.

Vito was sad. He wrote to his son in prison and talked about how unfortunate it would be that he wouldn't be able to get his tomatoes that year as Vinnie wasn't around to help him dig the garden. A couple of weeks later, Vito got a letter from his son. "Whatever you do, Dad, DON'T dig up the garden. That's where I hid the bodies."

Just a day after he received the letter the law showed up and immediately began turning over his garden looking for the bodies. But they found none. All that was left was turned over garden dirt. A couple of days after that Vito got another letter. "Sorry, dad, it was the best I could do for you. Hope the tomatoes taste good this year."

Current novel status: 8700 words
#26 by "Anonymous"
2005-07-26 05:07:51
keep eating magnets until your farts can erase videotapes
#27 by McBain
2005-07-26 07:23:10
Here's a joke: My house was like this from time to time.  Only the roles were reversed, my dad was the insane one and my mother was the enabler who made excuses.

Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie: What the fuck? No!
#28 by Dumdeedum
2005-07-26 08:02:36
http://www.dumdeedum.com
I hope you plan to carry on the family tradition and scream incoherently at your children when you have them.

Guest MP3OTW: Imogen Heap - Hide And Seek.mp3 (Thanks Anonymous!)
#29 by schnee
2005-07-26 09:20:55
david@snowdesign.com
The kid in that video should be kicked in the mouth, repeatedly. Thankless little smart-ass shit is just as bad as the mom. Every single thing he said was calculated to make her crazy and angry, none of it gave her any room to chill out.

Gawd wuz a dream of good gubmint.
#30 by Anonymous
2005-07-26 09:39:37
He said she's acting always like that no matter what. You'll just refuse to cooperate at some point in time and the fact he recorded it might have had something to do with the fact that he was trying a new approach and needed to secure some court evidence for the home shooting trial to cleanse his name post-mortem.

#31 by bago
2005-07-26 09:51:09
manga_Rando@hotmail.com
Kid IS spoiled though. Consoles, TV, Flat screen monitor, car, camcorder...

An we're runnin past the fireball an jumpin on the alligator heads an the ninjas are right behind us an LOOK OUT IT'S GONNA BLOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!
#32 by G-Man
2005-07-26 12:51:01
Schnee
He is sixteen. She is (hopefully) at least in her mid-thirties. Which one should know better?
#33 by LPMiller
2005-07-26 14:01:52
lpmiller@gotapex.com http://www.gotapex.com
There is that, and there is the fact he is taping her, so of course he's going to keep it going. Hopefully he showed it to her first.

"Testiculos habet et bene pendentes" "He has testicles, and they dangle nicely."
#34 by Jibble
2005-07-26 14:48:34
All of this is based on whether or not that's actually real.

Well, the kid has a job, so I won't dismiss the idea that he might have paid for the flat screen TV, the game console, and the computer in his bedroom. He's still being a little shit, but I agree with G-Man - his mom really needs to calm down.  Dole out the punishment and call it a day.  Don't waste time arguing with a teenager because, well, it's a waste of time.  By the time they're that old, they've found all your buttons and they're going to constantly push the ones that drive you most insane because it's the only thing that makes them feel like they have power and control over things.  It also sounds like they're having financial troubles, which could easily be linked back to the flat screen and the game console and the computer.

I really don't look forward to having a teenager, but I'm hoping that my finances will be in order so I won't have to worry about asking favors from him/her/it.

SANTAK, BANKOROK, TOMATO!
222 lbs.  42 to go.
#35 by schnee
2005-07-26 15:24:51
david@snowdesign.com
G-man, you choose now to be rational and non-insulting? After my finely-crafted troll? Damn you.

To me there's a few ways to look at it. One, she really is an unhinged, completely irrational person and everyone else is just dealing... two, she's having some huge crisis, is incredibly desperate and shamed by having to ask her kid for cash and the kid is salting the wounds because he's cocky and ignorant. We didn't see what happened off-camera to start all this, so to me both things are a possibility.

Gawd wuz a dream of good gubmint.
#36 by Jibble
2005-07-26 15:29:24
I'm betting on #2, myself.  Most teenagers are jackasses (hey, I was too) and they savor any opportunity they have to get the upper hand on an adult.

"Ask me nicely." is the teenager's thinly-veiled version of "Beg me because I want to feel like a big man."

SANTAK, BANKOROK, TOMATO!
222 lbs.  42 to go.
#37 by jjohnsen
2005-07-26 15:44:48
http://www.johnsenclan.com
She says in teh video that she asked nicely earlier.  He probably told her to piss off and so she came back screaming.

Actually, the liberalism of the media - as a general thing - IS a major fallacy. What the media is, is a whore.  -LP
#38 by LPMiller
2005-07-26 15:52:01
lpmiller@gotapex.com http://www.gotapex.com
I don't care what the situation was, that woman lost all control. And then the dad came out and was trying to calm down the wrong person. You cannot lose it like that as a parent. She has obvious anger issues if she is screaming so loud her voice is going away. Doesn't even matter what the kid was doing.

"Testiculos habet et bene pendentes" "He has testicles, and they dangle nicely."
#39 by Jibble
2005-07-26 15:56:04
Oh, I won't dispute that.  Like I said, she should have doled out the punishment and called it a day.  Unfortunately, the kid had something she wanted.  Had she reasoned it out, she would have asked nicely, he'd have given it to her, then she could have screamed "HA HA YOU LITTLE FUCKER, GOT ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY NOW?!" and called him whatever names she wanted without him being able to lord it over her anymore.  Or she could, you know, not react to the situation like a two-year-old.

SANTAK, BANKOROK, TOMATO!
222 lbs.  42 to go.
#40 by mgns
2005-07-26 15:59:21
Well, the kid has a job, so I won't dismiss the idea that he might have paid for the flat screen TV, the game console, and the computer in his bedroom.

Ricky Fitts.

Just those three words, said and meant. I love you. They were quite hopeless. He said it as he might have said, I have cancer.
#41 by Jibble
2005-07-26 16:05:16
I can't imagine that you'd expect anyone to get that reference without Googling it.

SANTAK, BANKOROK, TOMATO!
222 lbs.  42 to go.
#42 by CheesyPoof
2005-07-26 16:09:06
I didn't even watch long enough to get to the dad.
#43 by CheesyPoof
2005-07-26 16:09:49
Of course, all this means that McBain was probably a pain in the ass teenager that did his part too.
#44 by Warren Marshall
2005-07-26 16:33:54
http://www.wantonhubris.com/
The kid does sound a little upset himself, but he's keeping it in check.  He's not pushing buttons for the hell of it ... it's his way of dealing with her insanity.
#45 by Jibble
2005-07-26 16:46:13
Oh, bullshit.  He knows he wouldn't have to deal with it if he'd just give her what she wants.  He's making her beg for it because he's being a little shit.

SANTAK, BANKOROK, TOMATO!
222 lbs.  42 to go.
#46 by TheTrunkDr.
2005-07-26 16:49:46
I have to agree with Jibble, both people in that argument are working to elevate the situation, not resolve it.

I SAID PURPLE, BITCH!
#47 by Penguinx
2005-07-26 16:50:54
My mother was exactly like that, goddamn that was funny.

"Cablanasian... wha de fack is that??? das wha jesus was?" - larafan
#48 by Warren Marshall
2005-07-26 16:55:03
http://www.wantonhubris.com/
Oh, bullshit.  He knows he wouldn't have to deal with it if he'd just give her what she wants.  He's making her beg for it because he's being a little shit.

So we're not even considering the possibility that he goes through that shit on a daily basis, regardless if he gives her what she wants or not?

Yeah, he's pushing her buttons, but it sounds like it's because he's tired of putting up with her shit rather than he's enjoying torturing her.  And no, he's not helping the situation but if you know from past experience that giving her what she wants doesn't work - what do you do?
#49 by LPMiller
2005-07-26 16:55:09
lpmiller@gotapex.com http://www.gotapex.com
I have to agree with Jibble, both people in that argument are working to elevate the situation, not resolve it.


And anyone that has ever dealt with someone with that kind of anger mismanagement will tell you there is no making the situation better. Not resistance, not caving in, not even running away. Seems to me, the kid was fed up and trying to get through it with a little self respect, whereas the dad appears to no longer have any and seems to me to be as bad as a battered wife in how he reacts.

"Testiculos habet et bene pendentes" "He has testicles, and they dangle nicely."
#50 by mgns
2005-07-26 17:02:10
That woman seems horrible.

Just those three words, said and meant. I love you. They were quite hopeless. He said it as he might have said, I have cancer.
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